Day 20

As I sit here enjoying my Spartan coffee, I don't know where to begin.

Pause, sip, sip...

Deep breath...

Okay, the thoughts are brewing...

We began with our warm-up run. The air was warm, but crisp as it grazed my skin. The sky was crystal and the river was a sheet of ebony glass. I ran alone today. No ducks or jumping fish. No words spoken. No distractions. Serenity. The air flowed easily to and from my lips and deep, calm breaths were plentiful. I laughed at the fact that I still HATE running. But I reflected on the realization that I was no longer running with the crushing weight that bore into my shoulders on the first day of Boot Camp and for as long as I could remember before that.

I pondered the thought that I had not become "HER". The vision of the woman that I wanted so desperately to be when I joined this class was not what was driving me to run today.

I came to the realization that I can no longer "live to live up" but need to live to be "ME". The "Measure" that beckoned me daily to the mirror can no longer slice into my spirit.

Sarah
Carmen
Allesandra
Adrianna
Jenna
Pamela
Brianna
Marisa
Dita

Tori

Just names, and few of the many on "my list". But, for me, the names that instantly conjure up images that bred the sickness, hate and desire that, for many years, had fueled every single angry, desperate slice to my bleeding soul. Some days, I didn't care. Some days I was fighting viciously to cover the wounds and to find something, anything, that would fill the empty shell that I had become. Forced back to the "reflection" that stood before my eyes, trapped, sinking deeper and deeper, believing that I would never "BE". NEVER.

Now, before you begin to psycho-analyze me, know that I am sharing this VERY personal part of my life because I KNOW that there are others that understand this pain and I know that by sharing it, it will help me continue to shift my thoughts. And I understand that Rob and Bootcamp didn't cause this "shift of thinking". I KNOW that this whole experience was a "DIVINE AIR HORN".

"Bootcamp" was a mere tool used to provide the shock that I needed to bring me back to REAL LIFE. It helped wake me up with the new realization that "Perfection" CAN NOT fuel "being". Gashing at every physical "imperfection" will never "make it all better" or make it go away. Boot camp is not a "quick fix" and it is not the perfect plan for everyone. Treating my body in a way that will help it function to carry out the " Original Wendy Design" is what MY focus needs to be on. And getting MY body into the physical shape (notice I did NOT say SIZE) that was in the "Original Blueprint" is essential. Obviously I haven't seen this "Blueprint" but the only way for me to know that I'm "Up to Code" is to know that I'm doing my personal best to follow the "Building Plans" that have been layed at my feet. This is why I WILL continue to make daily sacrifices to remain in Boot Camp.

I truly believe that the GIFT of Grand Rapids Adventure Boot Camp was carefully chosen, wrapped up in exquisite shimmery paper with a BIG, shiny, sparkly, one-of-a-kind bow, complete with homemade, hand-written tag in BIG, BOLD, unmistakable letters:

"To Wendy, With All MY Love"