Day 12

Last night, work ended a bit earlier than what I had planned so I decided to treat myself to a little run. I didn't go far. I ran/walked for about a half-hour. It was nice to be able to tame my frustration of circumstances of the day by exercising rather than reaching for whatever vice was nearest.

This morning, I woke up and took time getting myself together. Teeth brushed, ponytail, and oatmeal this morning instead of the usual out-the-door almonds and banana. It was a nice change of pace.

Then I decided to say "hello" to an "old friend". I stepped on the scale hoping for a nice surprise. Over the weekend, I was able to purchase a couple new things, one being something prettier and a size smaller than what I typically buy. They don't make many racy, lacey, pretty things is my usual size, hmmm, I wonder why? I wonder if it's because in the lingerie manufacturing business monopolized by men, I might add, (sorry, guys, no offense, please) the mindset is that only deserving girls get to feel sexy? Curvy girls (FAT CHICKS, two words that instantly gush anger and disgust through my veins) don't get the privilege? Don't they realize that labeling us just makes the cycle of depression and poor self-image continue? That has got to change!!! (Sorry, I'll step down from my soapbox now...) Anyway, to get back to my original story, I was pretty sure I must have lost at least a few pounds, right? Well, I looked down and there it was, a number, just a number, but it was higher than what I was hoping for. My heart sank and I felt tears welling up in my tired eyes. Even though I've been telling myself (and others) that it's about how I "feel" and being "empowered to do more, go farther, etc...", I felt instant discouragement, sad-ness, defeat. "You are NOT defined by what you weigh." Those words kept flooding my mind. I know this!!! But even so, somehow that "number" changes me. My attitude, my confidence, my whole being. I drove to the park sobered, quiet, but still determined.

I share this because I want others to know that "being a slave to the scale" is NOT a good thing. It's WRONG to view yourself by the world's standards. We are all made in God's image and we should strive to be the best representation of Him to those around us and although I do believe that outward appearance and physical health plays a small role in that, how we show His love daily to others, speaks LOUD and CLEAR. And, what we need to recognize is that we are all beautiful because He made us that way and even if we fall short of what the world says we should look like, He will forever welcome us with open arms. This is a VERY, VERY, hard concept for me to grasp. And believing it in my soul is what I really need to work on.

Anyway, this is not a blog meant to bring anyone down including myself. But I thought I needed to share that in case anyone else feels the same way or struggles with the same thing.

When we arrived, we ran for our warm-up and it was interesting that the scale came up. And I didn't bring it up. One of the "campers" that has been working with Rob for a number of months shared with me that when she did her re-assessment the first camp, she had also put on weight and had actually gained inches in a few areas (and that she had walked away from that day's session tears). She encouraged me, though, reminding me that she has actually lost several sizes and is able to do more and more every camp. I needed to hear that this morning and it really helped change my attitude.

"I will focus on how I feel, I will focus on how I feel, I will focus on how I feel, I will focus on how I FEEL, I WILL FOCUS ON HOW I FEEL!!!!!!!!"

Okay, Okay, so here's what we did today:

Warmed up with a run (which I may say I did without walking), did many lunges, pushes and pulls, resistance pulls, push-ups, leg-ups, squats, lots of core work and strength stuff. I kept a good attitude and resolved to finish every exercise, every rep, with good form and a positive attitude. And I DID!

Tomorrow is a new day, actually, it's still pretty early, so today is a new day. And I WILL press on!